I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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