Moan for me like Helen Keller
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
