I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
