how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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