I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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