So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
