If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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