oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
