in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
