Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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