You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
