i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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