he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
