how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
