I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
