dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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