Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
