Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
