I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
