I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
