listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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