my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
