i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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