hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Don't tell me you're on acid again