If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high