i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
