Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
