So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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