Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
