It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
