a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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