fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
