he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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