the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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