you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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