I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
