i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
