tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
