He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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