And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
