If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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