I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
