Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
