the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
