you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
