i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
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I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
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she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My dick has a subreddit
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.