I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
there's paper in my vomit.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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