i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
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I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
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My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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