Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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