Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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