haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
