I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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