I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
