this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
