The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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