he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
