apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
In other news, I just burned my penis
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
