i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
